Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Dear Ehren: Twenty Weeks

Dear Ehren,

So much has changed and it's been such a whirlwind of chaos. One thing I am learning is that just once we have it all figured out, you change. In fact, you change so quickly that I dare not blink. Last week, I went back to work. A few weeks before that, we went to Montana. Most importantly, I started seeing a therapist to deal with my postpartum mood disorders. That was good for the whole family. I started listening to what other people are saying to me and I learned 2 things:
1) The past 18 months have been filled with absolutely awful and traumatic experiences for me.
2) I am a badass for all I've conquered in the past 18 months (and way before then!)

In the past 18 months I have lost a baby, struggled to conceive, constantly vomited, regularly dehydrated, extremely cautious with weight gain/loss, checked into the hospital for vomiting, controlled gestational diabetes, had countless NSTs, worked until the hour I went into labor, battled 56 hours of labor, attempted to push for 4 hours, submitted to a cesarean delivery, had postpartum pre-eclampsia, delayed breastfeeding, struggled with tongue ties, nursed/pumped/bottle fed you every 2-3 hours for 4 weeks, continued vomiting, admitted to the hospital (again), enjoyed emergency gallbladder surgery, EP'd for 3 weeks, worked to bring you back to the breast for 5 weeks, learned that I didn't produce enough milk, struggled with postpartum anxiety, developed postpartum depression, joined a parent group, traveled to Montana twice, took you to daycare, and returned to work. That's just the baby related big things. That doesn't include the HUGE changes at work, the two moves, family drama, or the way that my relationship has phenomenally changed with your father.

Quite honestly, the past 18 months were pure chaos. And for the most part, I should have been really miserable, but I wasn't. I struggled, but I wasn't miserable. I was excited about you. I was determined to succeed. I was focused. And now, I'm just coming up for air. I'm taking a moment to breathe. I'm listening to all of the people around me who are telling me what a phenomenal job I've done and noting how well I've coped. I'm finally giving myself the credit I deserve, because you deserve a mom who knows her worth.If I'm lucky, you'll let me be your role model - strong, courageous, brave, and confident.

I love you,


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