Sunday, November 8, 2009

And now, please return to your regularly scheduled life

Wow! I had no idea that running a marathon would change my life, but it has. It has been a long journey of self-discovery and rediscovery. The last year has taught me a lot about myself, the world around me, and the way I let my environment affect me. I am smart though; I learned from my mistakes, trained, and prepared for every situation I thought I would encounter. I've been on a constant running high since June. Now, a week after the marathon, I feel the distinct onset of depression taking hold.
Preparation got me through 26.2 miles but it is going to take a lot more willpower now to suck it up, move on, and graduate. Maybe I'm not feeling depressed, maybe it is self-sabbotage. I am scared to death to graduate. I'm not ready to grow up and move on. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds. After all, I've been married for two years, own a house, have a dog, and carry enough in debt to prove that I'm an American. But, I'm safe and comfortable. I so desperately want to "spread my wings and fly"; to see the world and go out on my own but I'm not making any movements to get there.
I'm falling behind in classes and dreading my upcoming job interview. I can't take anymore rejection from the company I'm interviewing with. There it is, that fragility, that's the dead-giveaway that it's probably depression. I'm being a victim of sorts, helpless and hapless. It's really pathetic. What's really strange is that I'm watching this happen. I can feel it. I can see it. I can't seem to stop it though.
After I finished the marathon I felt physical relief but there was this emotional emptiness. I cried a lot in the last 4 miles of the marathon. I was emotionless when I crossed the finish line. I had moved on. I was beyond the marathon. So now, I'm trying to fill the hole, self-medicating (if you will) through exercise and chocolate. I'm going to sign up for the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon in Orlando. I need to do this for myself instead of the naysayers. Maybe it will make me happy. Maybe doing my homework would make me happier. I guess both options are worth a shot.
I know that very few people read my blog, but it really is nice to have the Internet as a quiet, patient, friend to listen while I type this. I'm sure there will be comments of judgement from others, as there often are, but for now, this is nice.

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